Retrograde Journal Day 3 - Changes

What changes?

Well,  a lot.

I used to feel that I know my life path so certainly. I felt safe because I was so sure of where I’m going. Now? I’m not too sure. Sometimes I feel lost, I don’t know what I want, not sure where to go. Well, I’m scared. Because now, the consequences of every choices I make, becomes so real in front of my eyes. I’m scared of what it might bring me. Will I succeed? Will I not? I surely wish I can be as firm as I was before, it will make few things easier I guess. But, the “I’m scared” part of me teaches me new things. How to take a breath and look wider. See how much effect I will cause if I do certain things. In the end I still choose, hopefully wiser and more logical than just a sudden urge to do something. It surely gives me a wider perspective.

I used to be short tempered. I couldn’t take when people don’t do something as I expected, it happens to my team mates, friends..basically related to study and work. But then I became a manager, I handled more people and bigger team. Then I learned that people REALLY isn’t the same. Different people, different ability, different work pace, different everything. And being different with me, isn’t a bad thing after all. Sometimes it is ahahaha but well, sometimes it isn’t. It gives me more insights of a problem we’re facing. It gives the team different air to breath. It’s good as long as we all keep growing to be better.

I used to take others’ words seriously. Maybe waayyy to seriously. For me, words are promises. I don’t like throwing words just to please people and in the end, I don’t even wanna fulfill it. I thought everyone is the same. Hehe they’re not. And sometimes they don’t do it with bad intention. Just basa basi. But I do take the basa basi too seriously and it hurt me. What a waste of time to hurt myself. I then learned that people don’t always mean what they say, good or bad. So I learned to take their words less seriously. Sounds bad? Maybe, but it gives me less headache, and if the person wants to fulfill their words, they will anyway.

I used to be so bold. Of what I want, of how I say things, of how I give opinion, etc. For some people it feels like I’m enforcing something. I didn’t, I just believed what I believe so much. That was bad. Because unconsciously, I closed the door for other people. I closed my ears to listen. And by stopped listening, I stopped learning. So really, we have two ears and one mouth for a reason.

I think that’s all I can think now. I am different, from my yesterday, last month, last year, last 10 years..not sure how much hahahah. I never regret it. If anything, it’s me learning about life in general and about myself in particular. How to dance within the storms and be thankful of the sunshine. It’s me ever evolving with the rhythm of life. 

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