Pixie's Singing

That you are a tiny spectacle in the huge universe But you have the universe inside of you That you are such a tiny voice in the middle of the ocean But such a voice can either kill or heal someone That you are just everybody else And everybody else reflects you In the world full of duality How can you find and define yourself? How can I say I love myself without saying I love you too?

Sometimes we can't control when we feel helpless, or when we feel like we found our strength back. This current time has been amazing and scary for me. I discovered so much about myself, bad and good. It's a journey to get to know myself more, in a way that never happened before. I remember the life before now, too many things to do, too many things to think, just too many thinks. Now? Well still, I occupy my mind with a lot of stuff too sometimes too much even to bear. Healthy? Not so much. Sometimes I do it just to escape boredom. Then I lose some sleeps. And I lose more sleeps. Then I hit the break. Life has taught me so many things recently, that I'm thankful for. So many good things about me and my life that I took for granted before. Life proves to me that there's enough. Enough for me.  But then life reminds me again of the monsters inside I've been avoiding. Some that I thought I have encountered or made peace with. Apparently not.  I can't help but feel...

Life is surely magical. That’s what I feel at the moment. I amazed myself when I dare to take this new path. I got a lot of help for sure, in the middle of the path and until now. It makes me realize how lucky I am. I have great suppliers supporting my business. I have people believing in me and the idea I’m selling. I have clients that keep coming back and have a great working relationship. I have my family and dear friends who always support me. I have customers who buy my products and happy about them. Overall I love my life a lot. I feel loved. It’s amazing to see how life unfolds at the right time. The process is magical. I have been in a point when I was worried of how I was gonna buy groceries the next week. And now, I have a lot of freelance projects coming in, seeing the numbers I earn to pay next months rent and support my life is relieving. It’s something to experience those 2 things at a close distant time. I’m overwhelmed, for real. One thing that I feel like life is telli...

In the end, we can only do as much. As much as we can, as much as we think is best, as much as we want, as much as we are willing. Sometimes the result is certain, most of the times is not. But you can’t control everything, can you. You can only control yourself. So if it’s not like what you expected, take that time to sit by yourself and think about it. Feel the feeling and think the thoughts. Walk when you finally are ready. 

It hurts us more than anything else..maybe 😬 most of the times we hurt ourself more than other people does. Because we set some expectations. When that doesn’t happen, we feel betrayed. It’s a normal thing. Happens everywhere, every time, to everyone...mostly I guess. Of course there’s a cause why we expect certain things from someone. It may come from his / her value in your life, it may come naturally as he / she usually does certain things, it can come from anywhere really. Sometimes, it doesn’t affect anything to us, when the dosage is right. But when the expectations keep climbing to be higher or we expect something that’s not realistic, it could be dangerous. We could be hurting ourself, and the other person. We feel betrayed, and the other person feel he / she’s blamed but no clue what they did wrong. A very ineffective and destructive situation. I feel like I have been in both sides. I expected something, it didn’t happen, and I got hurt. The other time, my friend expected me ...

If anyone asks me what I believe in at the moment. I’d say I believe in life. I believe in the nature and force of creation. From the birth to the last days. I believe in all seasons. There are times to grown and there are times to die. Beginning and the end. And everything that happens in between, so called good and bad. Every experiences we have, every lessons we learn, every people we meet. Those little moments that ain’t so little for us. Laughters and sadness. Tears of joy and sorrow. One whole package I call life. I don’t think there’s an absolute right or wrong in how we do it. I believe it’s a whole lot process that we need to go through as individual and as society. But mostly it’s a journey your heart and mind gotta make together. It’s hard to not being taken away by the full force tide that’s happening. It’s a challenge to stay true to your heart and mind, and believe in yourself. It’s the battle we’ll do everyday as long as we live. And like pinterest says, it’s the battle ...

I watched  A Star is Born without that much expectation. The hype was too much I though. And I left the movie amazed. I love the stories, the characters, the songs..it’s a great movie. One of the things I got from it is when Jackson told Ally to be true to herself. “If you are not being true to yourself out there, you’re fucked” that’s not the exact words but that’s what I remember. I believe that it’s true. One of the wisest things I got from a movie. And these days, it seems those words became truer and truer. I somehow feel the world is spinning so fast and without clear direction. The current issue is still boiling. It’s not safe yet, the economic condition worsen, people started to ignore warnings. A lot of people do what they can to survive. More businesses appeared, more things came to surface. Part of it is good. Maybe finally we have the time to get to know ourself and what we can do. I sometimes got anxious. So many talents out there, so many things to choose out there, s...

Well, I actually read the theme yesterday, didn’t feel so joyful yesterday, ended up watching netflix and fell asleep 😬😬 Today is surely a so much brighter day. A lot of things going on and I feel so much alive. Let’s start making things that bring me joy today 😉 1. Really nice influencers I have a small brand in Bali and I’m trying to promote it more through ads and influencers. I started contacted some of them yesterday and they replied so fast and in a really friendly ways. Sooo happy to find such friendly and humble people online.  2. New consignment store For the brand, I always try to get new stores to distribute the goods. I had meeting with one new store today and the pic is really nice and enthusiastic. Felt good about it. 3. Friends Met my 2 friends today and they gave me so much joy. Being in the same tune. Made me feel less lonely and less crazy at the same time 😆😆 4. Hot water For the first time in few weeks, my water heater is running well when I took a bath! It’...

What changes? Well,  a lot. I used to feel that I know my life path so certainly. I felt safe because I was so sure of where I’m going. Now? I’m not too sure. Sometimes I feel lost, I don’t know what I want, not sure where to go. Well, I’m scared. Because now, the consequences of every choices I make, becomes so real in front of my eyes. I’m scared of what it might bring me. Will I succeed? Will I not? I surely wish I can be as firm as I was before, it will make few things easier I guess. But, the “I’m scared” part of me teaches me new things. How to take a breath and look wider. See how much effect I will cause if I do certain things. In the end I still choose, hopefully wiser and more logical than just a sudden urge to do something. It surely gives me a wider perspective. I used to be short tempered. I couldn’t take when people don’t do something as I expected, it happens to my team mates, friends..basically related to study and work. But then I became a manager, I handled more p...

Who are you? The hardest 3 words question for me...honestly. Sometimes I do get me, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I feel like I’m walking in a certain path, and sometimes I feel lost. Sometimes I do understand life, sometimes I don’t. In the end I think I’m just one of the spirits living in a body on Earth. Indonesian word is “daya” and there’s the english word for it, but somehow I don’t feel it defines the word just right. Daya for me is like a combination of energy and spirit. The ever flowing current. It always moves. It always transforms. I’m just this little daya. Taking life and hopefully giving away life, hope and something good to the world. Feel all kind of emotions as I’m flowing further in life. The anger, happiness, jealousy, grace, sadness, amused, and many other emotions that shape me and flow with me through this life. There are days when I can be a flaming fire and there are other days I’m the cold winter blizzard. There are days when I’m Te Fiti and other days I’m Teka...

I am grateful for : 1. My health After discovering that I have autoimmune, it wasn’t a fun journey. I felt that my body was ‘failing’ me. That somehow it just decided to shut down without warning. It has been quite a journey, to heal and to make peace with my own body. And I’m glad that we’re in a pretty great relationship now. 2. My parents For what its worth, they’re the best parents I could ever have. They gave me roots and wings at the same time. It has been a journey to love them both, with whatever ways they do to love me. But I always think that they’re the best parents for me. 3. Relationship with my siblings We weren’t this close before and I’m so glad that we are here now. We share, tease, complain, whatever else...but we talk to each other. And I’m happy for it 4. My best friend Of course. Without her, I wouldn’t be this far too. Unconditional love is just one of many things I get from you. She understands me like no one can. And she saved me a lot of times from my own madne...

Saw it too many times on pinterest. It has never struck me hard till now. In the end we really can’t control of what other people will do, feel, react, treat us, we can control nothing. It hurts, it sucks and we ask why. Sometimes we got the answer, but most of the time we don’t. Well I don’t. From a single thought, it then became a spider web, when I realize it, it’s already too complicated and guess what, I’m trapped in the middle of it. Funny. I created my own spiderweb and got stuck. Just because of one single why. Just because I never let go at the right time. How can we let go when it still linger in our mind? Exactly. I don’t know the answer. Then one day, I woke up and got sick of this situation and wrecked myself from it. That hurts too. So many loses, so many heartaches, so many whys. Then really it feels useless to ask why. It’s exhausting to keep holding on and hurt yourself at the same time. Out of exhaustion I gave up. Deliberating? Yes. Sad? Yes. But it gets easier day b...

I just watched this movie today. And I’ve been enjoying watching Netflix’s original series as for me it’s like a fresh air for movie choices. Netflix’s series are more like current life situation. The issue, the actors and actresses, I like how it’s not always just black and white. Life has more layers than that.  Anyway, this movie is a process of young person to get to know themselves. What they like, what they think, what they do. It’s all simple yet complicated. Like teenager’s life. Exactly.  “Love is not pretending” is one of the sentences in the movie. Which I found very true. Sometimes we’re blinded with so many things. Sometimes we forget to be honest and accept who we are. But yes, love isn’t pretending. “Have you ever loved someone so much, you don’t want any of her to change?” 

There are many times that things don’t go the way you want it. More storms to come one after the other before you can even catch a breath. Leaving you sitting by the dock, looking at the ocean and its never ending dynamic and just wonder. Will you ever going through it? Will you be fine? Did you do fine? Are you doing the right thing. Or sometimes even question what the hell are you doing. Life has always this funny ways to teach you something. Even when it doesn’t seem like it most of the days. After all the rains and more storms to come. There will maybe a time when you can sit quietly and breath. Keep it steady for a while. Then you realize. Sometimes there’s no conclusion at all. You don’t understand it but something came to an end. And there you are. Just standing and being confused. Didn’t recall when things slipped away. Something you thought was still in your hand, it isn’t. It wasn’t. Then you find the urge to seek for the answers, to talk it out, to have another conversation,...

I’ve been watching The Crown series on netflix for the past...few weeks I think 😁 it was boring at first to be honest, but then royal’s life is always interesting to follow. Even though I’m quite sure it’s half history half drama, there are many things I got from this movie. It might be a good media for younger people to learn about history. I remember how boring those classes are, not the materials but the lecturing way. I believe we all can learn something about history, or even enjoy the stories of the past. But we need better way of learning. I got myself reading more about the royal family and their history because of this series. And I’m looking forward for the 4th season to come 😉

Oh well, who would guess that I’d appreciate a simple supermarket shopping soooo much! In this quarantine time, I limit my going out activity as the issue hasn’t been resolved yet. So I only go out once a week approximately to refill my fridge. I tried different supermarket, noticed different meat type on each place, price differences etc. I learn a new thing from every place 😂 Denpasar is crowded again, not as crowded as usual, but it’s quite a lot. I understand people still need to make some living somehow. Hopefully things will be normal again soon! I got a surprise this morning, I’m losing weight. Quite a lot 🤣🤣 it must be from the cooking I’ve made myself for the past few weeks. Since I don’t exercise anyway 🙊 quite happy about it, and it proves that tummy is made in the kitchen. 

I just watched this movie. One movie without any dialogue. Instead it uses poems narrated by the two characters. It's a beautiful movie but, not a commercial one, so you need to be in certain mood to watch it. No dialogue feels like our current situation. This quarantine time, less direct interaction with other people, force you to "talk" more to yourself and feel things instead.

Well I heard it long time ago that love is a decision. Decision one made to love the other everyday. Decision that is taken everyday. Decision that you choose this person to be together with. Decision to still be there when the person seems like pushing you away. Decision to not leave the other person hanging.  It’s a verb and it’s something we choose everyday, every hour, all day all week all year as long as we still wanna be that person.  I also heard that when a man wanna be with you, he’ll make that happen. But if he doesn’t wanna be with you, no amount of effort and so called love will make him stay.  That stuff becomes real and more real in my life everyday. I don’t think it applies only for men and only about relationship. I think that applies to any ship to anyone.   And the hardest part from my point of view, is to let that thing go, without hurting you too deep. I’m really slow at leaving and walking away. So slow. Too stubborn. I think that’s my aries and ...

Oh Happy New Year! Out of randomness I watched this movie titled Plus One. It's a light movie, realistic, and made me laugh. Typical case these days about finding the one and how...the concept we may have inside all this time doesn't really apply anymore in this reality. Or, we did pick a false understanding of what the one should be like. It also shows maybe too many of us are actually afraid of love, being together forever, etc etc etc because the ugly part of it. Even though it warms you, it brightens your day, it makes things are so much better, it may shake you, hurt you, shape you harshly, and basically everything you've known your thought might need to adjust. And nope, it's not an easy thing  to do. To let go, to accept, and to make peace. To show courage, to be brave and start over, to just have fun. I might be one of those. It's just too tiring to "keep losing", it's too tiring to get hurt. It needs a great deal of effort to tell ...